A bodily function that doesn't disappear because of traveling is needing to use the toilet, which is a frequent daily event and, at times, a total inconvenience. For females, if a bathroom is not immediately available, it's a case of queuing up, doing a jig with your legs crossed. For males, distraction can take the form of constantly changing their posture and focusing on anything else, rather than acknowledging the fact that they desperately need to use the toilet. For both, it's a case of not wanting to hear anything like running water!
Toilet talk between travelers, especially when waiting in a queue, is a common topic of conversation. Males have it easier when caught short, as they can usually find a bush to stand behind if out in nature. In contrast, females have the horrendous thoughts of maybe being bitten by some nasty on the ground as they squat—it's tough to run from a creepy crawlie when your undies are wrapped around your ankles.
As for disastrous ablutions, such as having an upset stomach, there's little left to the imagination for anyone traveling with you, especially if sharing a bathroom in a hotel room. Walking out the front door of your accommodation can be a game of Russian roulette of the runny kind, even to get yourself to a pharmacy to buy a remedy such as Imodium—this is the reason why you should never leave home to travel without diarrhea medication in your luggage.
Depending on where you are in the world, what type of accommodation you have, and whether you are even in your hotel at the time of need, the random toilets on offer may not be of the pristine and pretty type that you are used to. From stinky squats to gold-tapped 'smart' toilet/bidet combinations with so many functions—warming your arse, flushing your rear, air drying your bits and pieces, and self-flushing the moment you move—that you can't work out how to use it without your glasses.
Then, of course, there's the question of what you wipe your privates with if there’s no toilet paper available. Go caveman and use a bunch of leaves? Pray that you have a packet of tissues at the bottom of whatever bag you have with you, or merely walk around with a dirty bum. Travel and toilets are not always for the faint of heart, despite being a dire necessity.
And sometimes an overpowering stench requires the use of a gas mask, if only they were handed out at the door before entering. In some cases, even gum boots are needed to wade through what’s left on the manky floor. Basically, hazmat suits would be appreciated. Peeing in the dark can be another unexpected problem in third world countries or in remote locations where electricity may not be available—for this little drama always ensure that you have a mini-light in your bag; only the devil-may-care types would be prepared to use the light on their mobile and suffer the consequences of it falling out of their hand.
Public toilet seats can be a hive of nasty activity, think pubic lice. And, tiny microbes such as bacteria E. coli, Streptococcus, and Staphylococcus, as well as viruses like hepatitis A and norovirus. Building a toilet paper nest is one remedy, but not a guarantee. The only guarantee of the safety of your bits and pieces is to squat over the toilet without ever letting any part of your body touch it and praying that any vile critters can’t jump that high.
Paying for a pee and/or toilet paper when cruising the streets for sightseeing is not uncommon in many places around the globe. I view this as a demonstration of community spirit and a goodwill gesture, as it creates employment for locals. The other method of using street public toilets when required is to run to the nearest café, buy a cup of coffee, and then rush to their private loo. Caffeine addicts love this approach.
Below are a few guidelines for any toilets you may encounter while cavorting around the globe:
Free Spirited in Nature
Camping, hiking, or taking a long car drive with no amenities in sight when the need arises can also be a significant dilemma. Most people have relieved themselves behind a bush on the side of the road at some point in their lives. From what I can gather, males actually don’t care about having a pee in the open—in fact, they find it quite enjoyable. Females, as previously alluded to, have a different experience. It's not just the scary thought about being bitten by a little critter, it's totally inelegant and awkward for any lady with bad knees—not a pretty sight when trying to get back up from a squat. Peeing is fine for most agile souls. When BYO toilet paper is involved, such as in national parks where there's a dim view of littering, especially with used toilet paper, it's a case of burning it, burying it, or bagging it and taking it with you. Carrying your warm dog shit in a poo bag while on a walk is bad enough, let alone carrying nasty used toilet paper, even if it is your own. Apart from having a shovel on hand to bury your business pronto, it's one of life's little joys to pick up your own shit, plus used paper, and find a bin as quickly as possible. No one wants to admire a stunning view in a national park if they have to wade through crap and paper to get to it.
Moving Loo – boat, bus, and train
This requires a lot of balance, as well as enclosed shoes and rolling up the bottom of long pants, if you're wearing them, to avoid the off-target aims and splashes that may have previously occurred. Train toilets may be mere holes in the floor that go straight through to the train tracks; buses may have similar arrangements, but it literally goes through the floor to become roadkill. And, small boats may have you literally perched on the side of the boat with your bum over the side, having a bidet experience from the waves. Most of these types of amenities are found in remote places where adventurers love to go. If this is your preferred method of travel, then definitely learn how to balance while squatting, wear clothing that won't get in the way when nature calls, and learn not to be shy about doing your business in front of strangers.
Squatters
Squat toilets are not exclusive to Asian countries; they can also be found in the Middle East, parts of Africa, and occasionally in South America and Europe. For many, it's a cultural habit associated with cleaning one's rear (like a bidet), as there's always a large bucket of water with a pourer of some description beside the squat toilet that also serves as a flushing mechanism. You won't find toilet paper in these amenities. If you use your own tissues, never put used paper in the squatter, as it will clog up the system. Typically, a bin is available for disposing of your used tissues.
Long Drops/Pit loos
You know the sort, the hole in the ground that goes on forever that you desperately don't want to drop any of your valued possessions into. Often referred to as an outhouse, they are common in remote destinations such as national parks and rural areas in many countries, including Australia, New Zealand, the United States, Canada, Europe, Africa, and Asia.
The Use of an Arse Gun
No, it's not a literal meaning of shooting yourself in the butt. It refers to the 'bum guns', aka a 'handheld bidet shower', quite prevalent in Asia, South America, Europe, and the Middle East. A 'Use with Care' sign should be added to any toilet equipped with one of these contraptions. There is quite a knack to availing oneself of this apparatus without spraying water all over the cubicle from a somewhat misguided and incorrect aiming of the nozzle. There is also the chance of thoroughly soaking the lower region of your body and whatever clothes or undies may be hanging between your legs. And, do not put the nozzle too close to the area requiring squirting, as you don't want any nasty bugs jumping for joy at the sight of an unprotected orifice. And, it’s tough to wipe a wet arse with tissues. It requires "patting" rather than "wiping" to avoid small remnants of tissue adhering to your nether regions.
NB Travelers are always encouraged to learn a few words in the language of their destination. One important word to know is the local term for 'toilet', also known as a water closet or WC.
Gail Palethorpe, a self proclaimed Australian gypsy, is a freelance writer, photographer and eternal traveller. Check out her website Gail Palethorpe Photography and her Shutterstock profile.
